A Quiet Corner of the Universe

Ok, admittedly, this corner of the universe has been abnormally quiet. Two years too quiet...

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

A beautiful, six-foot-sensuous french woman danced with me tonight and told me three times how gorgeous I looked. I watched her run her hands up the inner thigh of one of her friends and realized she wasn't just trying to create a show for possible spectators - it was subtle and likely unnoticed except that I was dancing quite close to her. So I invited her to a lingere and sex toy party that I'm throwing for my women friends (and am now trying to figure out how I can make sure she's the last to leave....) She threw her arms around me and said it was exactly what she needed right now.

I could see by her dancing that she clearly was in touch with a comfortable sensuality. The best lovers I've ever had thoroughly enjoyed every sensation, every sound, smell, touch and reaction. I'm going to enjoy thinking about her slender hands in my hair and then on thighs as I drift off tonight....

bon soir mes amis!

Scraping for Peanut Butter

When your peanut butter jar is 98% empty, do you scrape the last old bits to try to make a sandwich anyway? I guess that's how I've felt every time I think about blogging something with meaning.... digging for dregs of something worth saying and coming up with nothing, or only old things, feeling empty and sick of peanut butter anyway. I'm surprised at the gentle prods I've gotten from people, to speak up, be real, tell the truth... or my truth. But in some ways, the venue seems stale, tired, and brittle like the soles in my 10 year old brown loafers... Or maybe that's me?

I've thought once or twice that my aversion to blogging in pure prose has muzzled me in some way. Who wants to hear the full details of my fucking insanity anyway? Why poison the ethers with my agitation and discontent? Why repeat myself? But the more likely truth is that I'm afraid that if I indulge my shadows they'll take over. I'll be feeding those lurking shapes in the corners, paying homage by naming them.

I've been slowly wading out of this spongy marsh but I'm still so close to the cusp that I feel like I could easily slip back in. My lack of progress toward inner contentment is partly a reflection of choices I'm continuing to make: eat things that drain my energy rather than rejuvenate, work too much overtime, under-sleep, isolate, reach out to people who don't reach back... certain aspects of my life these days seem unloving.

I'm unloving myself.... hmmmmm. To those who have sent their love, Thank you. It's meant a lot to me.

Three truths and a lie:

I once carried a 140 lb woman, on my back, up a mountainside
I once spoke to God... and he spoke back
I've never had my heart broken
I am not fascinated when gay men kiss each other

Clipped Wings and Mediocrity

I wanted to write - to say how it really is, how I really am but the truth is I don't know. My life is changing, I'm changing. I need more than this yet I'm not sure exactly what I need. It's funny how the world turns and suddenly we have a new perspective.

I love and am loved, that much I know. But something's changed and I'm not willing to settle in areas where I've been willing to accept the status quo before. As this brooding continues, my anger and frustration are finally giving birth to a new drive and determination (the patience is lagging behind though - and I still feel agitated). Have you ever been in a situation where your most exceptional qualities are unnoticed? Or if they are noticed, the feedback is kept under wraps - DELIBERATELY? I know where my strengths lie and I'm not doing anyone any favours by allowing myself to be held hostage. I've got to get on with my life, to seek out situations that honour my talents and raise my energy rather than deflate it.

It shouldn't be a revelation to me to find out that essentially, nobody else is making my best interests their highest priority - I'm sure it's self centred to expect it. But the sober reality is that I'm really the only one who is correctly attuned to my own potential and I'm certainly the only one capable of committing to that future. An advanced soul might ask, might even shift to support that but a lesser person will simply try to coerce or manipulate you, giving you morsels of hope and promise or occasional ego strokes.

Do I sound bitter? Cynical? Disillusioned? Immature? I feel all of the above but want to release any toxicity and move on into my own highest destiny - the one that I choose, based on a sense of adventure and passion. I don't know where it will lead but I do know its time for me to consider birthing a new self, an empowered self that will not settle for clipped wings or mediocrity. I am capable of so much more than that. And most days, I actually believe it...

Tangled in the Brambles, Again

Sitting in the morning beams of light and coffee steam
You wonder what happened to that subtle voice within
The voice that knows, always inspiring with wonder
Leading us to lost perspectives, quiet joys and a sense of adventure

Breathing deeply, you call on this magic zest, trying not to plead
But knowing that you're off course, tangled in the brambles of discontent
Desperate to shake the growing weight of this pang for fulfillment
For something more, something better, anything but who you are, here and now

In pause, you may recall taking delight in the sweetness of each new day
Embracing the depth of your soul, the mystique and power of the here and now
Invoke this knowing presence now: sense it - and give in to its higher intelligence
In an instant, the slightest shift can bring peace of mind into focus

Sense it...
Breathe it...
Feel it...
Know it...

Surrender to the eternal presence of your deepest self
Give in - to the infinite wonder that you are, the beauty and the majesty
Feel alive with the pulse of life and passion, your source of power and strength
Tap into the channel of millions of others who are also tuned to the frequency of joy

Discard your confined notions of smallness, of who you thought you were
With each new dawn, you have the power to be reborn and reawakened
Pause to re-commit to your grace and bring your deepest potential to light
When you honour your aliveness, you light a sparkling fire for the world to see

What My Mother Never Knew #25: Three friends. One night.

Warning: Naughty

Woodgrove was one of those neighbourhoods that had character and spunk, cheap real estate and a high crime rate. My friend's suite was on the upper level of an older heritage home. It was tiny with an A-frame ceiling that felt like an oven in July and August. The last time I was there was in early July but it was in the evening, and the open windows on either end of the suite enabled natural air conditioning via the cross-breeze. Lenora and I had been out with a bunch of people that night, enjoying drinks and steaks at the Keg. We'd managed to pass without being asked for ID since most of the crowd we were with that night were in their twenties.

After dinner, three of us were heading over to Brian's but Lenora mentioned that she had some Kaluha back at her place and we decided to make a pit stop. I don't recall why, at 15 she had moved out on her own, but I was totally envious of her independence. We sat around talking over the iced liqueur, surrounded by lit candles and jasmine incense, settling deeper and deeper into the futon with each drink. And the next thing I knew, they were kissing, and then we were kissing while Brian blew out all but a few candles, glancing our way quizzically to be sure that this was really happening. The alcohol had sweetly melted my inhibitions, jeans and then t-shirt falling to the carpet with only the slightest trepidation.

My mouth met Brian's while Lenora stroked his eager cock. He had a bit of a moustache, totally soft, surrounding full lips that knew how to kiss in an unhurried way, tasting and exploring the nuances of my own mouth and neck. Not wanting Lenora to feel left out, I shifted my full attention to her warm small lips, tasting the remnants of the peach lip gloss she had been wearing earlier. Slowly, I let my mound slide down her slim pale thigh until our pelvises met in a steamy crescendo. Brian's hands, Lenora's taught breasts, seeing him mount her and feeling my swollen labia nearly bursting with passion and desire - the memory has faded now into a flesh collage of exhilarating sensations in the flickering amber candlelight. I'd frequently consumed too much alcohol to recall some of our escapades but this night, we'd stayed within reason - just enough to allow us to tread onto new ground without complete embarrassment. Lenora moaned into my hungry mouth as Brian thrusted her into a shivering orgasm. I thought I might faint in anticipation. Praying that he had not also passed the point of no return, I nibbled playfully at her taught nipples as Brian rolled over onto his back. Her musical laugh may have been in pleasure or perhaps a nervous self-consciousness at being the centre of such attention.

I looked over at Brian and could see from the firm strokes with which he touched himself that he was not far off himself. I left one hand cupped on Lenora's breast as I mounted his waiting shaft, standing firm and straight, like the guards at Buckingham palace. Lenora and Brian found each others' mouths and as rode him, I watched their tongues probing and teasing one another. He bit down on her lower lip and I heard her breath catch. She slowly sucked on his tongue and I felt his cock stiffen even more.

This was entirely too erotic and I began to lose my grip. My pussy tightened and suddenly became searing. If I didn't stop now, I wouldn't be able to. But then Brian began to moan and thrust, reaching for my hips and pulling me forcefully to meet his deepening plunges. I felt him coming, and could not suppress a scream as wash after wash of pleasure poured through me. Brian began to slow at this point but I begged him to continue, his slightly subdued thrusts feeding an extended orgasm that continued for well over two minutes. By the end of it, I was nearly in tears, unable to stop the exquisite fibrillations, feeling totally exposed as my two lovers watched on. Finally, it slowed enough for me to slip off into Lenora's arms. I could barely speak for the next few minutes, but laughed and shook my head at having such a wild climax, unlike anything I'd experienced (prior to and since that night).

Three friends. One night.... And one amazing unforgetable experience. I'm not sure that I ever topped that one.