What My Mother Never Knew #16: First Love

That numbed-out horror in the back of that creep's van wasn't the first time for me. I've gotten ahead of myself. The first time was about a year before that and his name was Vince.

We'd been hanging about with a group of older kids who went to the high school which made me feel very cool. Pete had asked me out at some party and he seemed sweet enough. He even let me drive his Charger out on the gravel road leading to the quarry. It was thrilling. I liked him a lot and made out with him profusely when I'd had a few beer. But he was a bit dorky in some ways and I guess I never really started to develop real feelings for him. I didn't quite know how to remove myself from the situation but then things got even more complicated.

His friend Vince had finished highschool and was working at a gas station. We all used to pile into Vince's van and drive out to the falls in the summer. We could do our own thing there as it was out of the way. I remember sitting in the front near Vince listening to Steve Miller- Big Ol Jet Airliner and realizing that I totally had a huge thing for him. I think it was mutual as he was incessantly trying to throw me in the icy water and must have sprayed me with his beer at least half a dozen times (what a waste of good beer). I don't remember where Pete was that day and I also don't think I saw Vince's girlfriend.

I got absolutely blottoed that day, sitting in the sun so long. I don't know how I made it back up the steep embankment to the van without killing myself. Anyway, my feelings for Vince continued to grow and I finally spilled the beans one day to a neutral friend, in tears. The next day I mustered the courage to break it off with Pete - God I hated hurting him like that.

Strangely enough, two weeks later Vince just happened to be driving by my place and asked me out to a movie. I was elated! I don't know how I managed to lure a sexy 18 year old guy with a van and a job. I'm sure I didn't tell my mom the truth about his age but she must have seen the van....

So there was lots of kissing and petting and I had many orgasms rubbing up against him but poor Vince was left high and dry each and every time for weeks. There was no way that I was going to lose my virginity at 13 and I really had no idea about other ways of getting him off. Somehow though, he got it in his head that that meant I'd sleep with him when I turned 14. I'm not even sure I actually said that but somehow I think I felt like I'd committed to it. So on the day of my 14th birthday, Vince showed up, hoping to take me up on my promise. I really didn't expect it to happen that way, under obligation I mean. I guess I thought I might lose him if I didn't put out.

We drove to a secluded beach, and my best friend had to go for a walk on the beach so that we could be alone. It hurt, but he took it pretty slow. I really did love him and felt a bit guilty about all the orgasms I'd had without him to that point. And it wasn't like I hadn't had sex before. I'd had sex with at least two girlfriends by then, more than a couple of times.

So there I was, no longer a virgin in the purist sense, in the back of his Dodge van. I don't know that I felt any more grown up.

That night he ripped a wooden street sign off its post and gave it to me. It had my name on it. At the time I thought this so romantic. I actually carted that old sign around for about 18 years, finally discarding it in my last move. I think I always doubted his feelings for me but somehow that act of vandalism seemed to reassure me that he really loved me. I think now that although he cared, he was too filled with testosterone (and THC) to love in a really meaningful way. After that first time together, sex was pretty much expected with each get-together. That's the problem with starting. I wonder what would have happened with us if I'd actually asked myself what I wanted instead of trying to please him. I'm sure the first time might have been a lot more romantic, that's for sure.

Being a girl wasn't easy then. I'm sure it's even more complicated these days.