Sideways Flirting

I hug you happy birthday and your bristles scrape my cheek as I kiss you.

The sting lingers for 20 minutes and you smile at me warmly during the meeting… Hmmm…too bad you’re married.

I complement Tristan on his haircut – he really looks so handsome and the hint of silver left over his ears really is sexy. I burst out with “I love you” when I say goodnight. I mean it in the most wholesome way but nobody would believe me. I’m not even sure if I believe me. I fantasize about more but nothing will ever happen as he's leaving the country as soon as his time’s up and it would never work anyway- we're from different worlds.

Standing talking to someone and arms envelop me from behind. Now THAT’s a flirtation – I can feel the full length of his body against the back of my torso. Who’s this daring flirt? I turn and it’s Brian. Totally married. That was not only brazen but totally puzzling – I don’t even know you that well Brian. I’m going to assume that was innocent affection and leave it at that. I’m really not into married men despite my razor burned cheek…

My need to love and be loved comes out sideways. Indiscriminately, I am in love with everyone and it’s messy and confusing but maybe it’s just who I am. It’s bad right now – no sex for how long? Maybe a month (it wouldn’t seem so long if I hadn’t started sleeping with Drew again – but I’ve ended that). I love loving and being loved but I will refuse the temptation of any further stop-gap romance. My vibrator serves that need most adequately….

But everyone needs to feel loved, to feel sensual and passionate. And being sensual doesn’t always mean being sexual. I still manage to feel lost and alone though. I still manage to feel panicked that there’s nobody there for me. Sometimes I think “how can nobody see the absolute perfect beauty in my eyes? How did I get missed when guys were thinking about who they might like to take out to a movie this weekend? Don’t they know how fun I can be? Or what an amazing late night philosopher I am? Or what about my amazing oral-sensual-eroticdexterity?”
So I turn my love inward, I revel in the beauty and mystery of life. I love myself and nurture my soul like it were the last on earth. I handle with care and buy myself flowers and trust that love will come again – because it always does. This time I will be ready. I’ll have made peace with my fears, danced with my demons and left my sadness behind. I gaze up to see an amazing streaking meteor burning up and then exploding like a firework and think to myself, I will not fear love. I will open up fully this time – no holding back. I know I’m ready.