What My Mother Never Knew #18: Green Knees

Vince and I didn't last. I became insecure and convinced that he didn't really love me, even after he spray painted it on the school one night. When I saw it the next day "I love Sarah, In the Evening - Led Zepplin, 1981" I was at first convinced that it was another Sarah's boyfriend. When I found out it was intended for me, I somehow felt like it was a subtle boasting of someone who had had me - on many evenings.... I didn't feel loved in any way and broke it off with him after only a few months of being together. He was in a fast crowd and I guess part of me knew that I wasn't ready for the hard partying (or growing involvement in crime) that these guys were involved with.

I withdrew from the whole party scene for a few months after that. I'd picked up a nasty case of pneumonia and wasn't up to the late nights and beachfires at all. I remember how difficult it was to work my way back to smoking cigarettes after that - god it hurt to have a drag. But eventually, the infection cleared and I began to relax my conscience once again.

There was this one guy Sean, who was so FUCKING hot! He rode a ten speed everywhere and did insane wheelies in front of the 7 Eleven where we often congregated. I could barely speak when he was around me and so had never really actually said anything to him directly. One night though, I somehow found myself in a large public park with my best friend, Sean and a friend of his with a large jug of homemade immature wine that I had taken from our basement. I remember about the first bit, passing the jug around and drinking like hillbillies but due to my nervousness, I drank enough sour wine to become completely out of it in what seemed like only a few minutes. The next thing I remember is waking up in the morning, in my bed, fully clothed.

I sat there, my head ringing and pounding, feeling like a smoldering train wreck. I slowly got up and realized I had no idea how I'd gotten home. I couldn't remember anything after the communal wine jug on the hill. Getting out of last night's clothes, I stood in shock, looking at my grass and mud-stained knees. "What the hell???...." I thought to myself. I couldn't quite figure it out although it seems obvious looking back. I phoned my girlfriend.

"What happened last night?" I asked with a shrill tone in my question.

"I'm not sure", Lenora replied. "You and Sean disappeared and then the park security discovered us and kicked us out. I caught the 11:30 bus with Chad."

"Hmmmm," I murmured. And then suddenly, it all became clear. I had a single frame flash in my mind of Sean on his back in the grass, with me straddling him. We were near the Fairy Pond bridge, and he was so drunk that his participation seemed negligible. My GOD! How the hell could I have screwed the guy I've been so nuts about for months and remember only one frame? Shit!

When I saw him a few days later, I smiled and said Hi, but that was all I could muster. I didn't know if he remembered much or any of the roll in the glade, but I could not think of one thing to say to him after that. I also didn't want him to know that I couldn't really remember most of our time alone in the glade. I often wonder where he ended up.... Someone did tell me that he spent most of his 20's in and out of jail. I wish I had retained more of a memory about what happened between us - I don't even know if he was a good kisser! Well, I do have a fond 'almost-memory' anyway....