What My Mother Never Knew: Chapter 2 - Preteen Insanity

We really had some wild times. It was a time of total self-empowerment really. We were taking matters into our own hands. We wanted to try every new experience that we could call our own - powerful secrets kept from our parents. We used to sit around asphyxiating ourselves with towels and passing out. It was exhilarating to be on the edge like that. I liked being out of control.

I remember seeing a bunch of kids sniffing Pam Cooking spray in someone's basement. I thought they were nuts - risking their lives, their brains. And then within weeks the group of kids that I called friends were trying it and I was not to be left behind.

The first sniff was crazy - like a warm blanket running through my veins. My soft tissues felt hot and I could hear music, always changing, dangling music that was beautiful. We continued this dance with an aerosol bottle many times, many headaches and red oily noses... I'm mortified to think that my daughter is now 11. I remember my second babysitting job - there we were, searching the basement for inhalants while the kids watched TV. Something should have tweaked then. Something was very wrong and I was a kid who knew what was right and what was wrong. It was wrong but I couldn't stop myself. I'm lucky to be articulate enough to even write this... I'm lucky to be alive.

The last time was something I'll never forget. What I mean is - I'll never forget coming to afterward-most of the experience is a blank. I'd been psychotic - smashing my head in some cupboard doors and becoming completely insane. One of us was straight - babysitting the rest of us I guess. I sicken to think what we were doing and how one of us could have stood and seen that. My first memory was answering the door - a friend looked in horror at the blood running down my lips and the misalligned front tooth. I later told my mom how I'd tripped while running and hit my face on a curb. The upper tooth never did recover and is now covered with a crown.

It was so long ago now, and yet I remember some of it so clearly. I remember feeling sick with shame yet anxious to find even further escape. I wanted out of my self so badly that I would risk death. There's lots more to that story but I'll come back to that later. Let's just say that it was the beginning of me trying to take charge of my own direction - I guess I thought it was better than where I had come from.

Little did I know how bad it would get.