What My Mother Never Knew #18: Green Knees

Vince and I didn't last. I became insecure and convinced that he didn't really love me, even after he spray painted it on the school one night. When I saw it the next day "I love Sarah, In the Evening - Led Zepplin, 1981" I was at first convinced that it was another Sarah's boyfriend. When I found out it was intended for me, I somehow felt like it was a subtle boasting of someone who had had me - on many evenings.... I didn't feel loved in any way and broke it off with him after only a few months of being together. He was in a fast crowd and I guess part of me knew that I wasn't ready for the hard partying (or growing involvement in crime) that these guys were involved with.

I withdrew from the whole party scene for a few months after that. I'd picked up a nasty case of pneumonia and wasn't up to the late nights and beachfires at all. I remember how difficult it was to work my way back to smoking cigarettes after that - god it hurt to have a drag. But eventually, the infection cleared and I began to relax my conscience once again.

There was this one guy Sean, who was so FUCKING hot! He rode a ten speed everywhere and did insane wheelies in front of the 7 Eleven where we often congregated. I could barely speak when he was around me and so had never really actually said anything to him directly. One night though, I somehow found myself in a large public park with my best friend, Sean and a friend of his with a large jug of homemade immature wine that I had taken from our basement. I remember about the first bit, passing the jug around and drinking like hillbillies but due to my nervousness, I drank enough sour wine to become completely out of it in what seemed like only a few minutes. The next thing I remember is waking up in the morning, in my bed, fully clothed.

I sat there, my head ringing and pounding, feeling like a smoldering train wreck. I slowly got up and realized I had no idea how I'd gotten home. I couldn't remember anything after the communal wine jug on the hill. Getting out of last night's clothes, I stood in shock, looking at my grass and mud-stained knees. "What the hell???...." I thought to myself. I couldn't quite figure it out although it seems obvious looking back. I phoned my girlfriend.

"What happened last night?" I asked with a shrill tone in my question.

"I'm not sure", Lenora replied. "You and Sean disappeared and then the park security discovered us and kicked us out. I caught the 11:30 bus with Chad."

"Hmmmm," I murmured. And then suddenly, it all became clear. I had a single frame flash in my mind of Sean on his back in the grass, with me straddling him. We were near the Fairy Pond bridge, and he was so drunk that his participation seemed negligible. My GOD! How the hell could I have screwed the guy I've been so nuts about for months and remember only one frame? Shit!

When I saw him a few days later, I smiled and said Hi, but that was all I could muster. I didn't know if he remembered much or any of the roll in the glade, but I could not think of one thing to say to him after that. I also didn't want him to know that I couldn't really remember most of our time alone in the glade. I often wonder where he ended up.... Someone did tell me that he spent most of his 20's in and out of jail. I wish I had retained more of a memory about what happened between us - I don't even know if he was a good kisser! Well, I do have a fond 'almost-memory' anyway....

My Plan to Seduce Him

When he's finally free to come to me next week, after four months of voices talking, hands touching and passion held in check, what will I do?

I'll warm his soul with roast beef and cornbread and sing to him goofy love songs. When he's fed and relaxed, gazing at me with that wry grin, I'll kiss him with the most minute touch, lips hovering near his, grazing only the edges of his mouth. My golden brown eyes will meet his and though I'll try to stay serious, a Mona Lisa smile will creep across my face. Glossed fingernails will travel the back of his neck and his heart may quicken as I press my curves up against his brick house torso. There's no urgency, I know, but over time, I will show him sweetly that I can love him in ways that he can smell and touch and attune to with senses that he didn't even know he had. If it's been a hard day I'll massage him with peppermint oil under soft candlelight. My hands will wander to untouched places and playful kisses and tiny bites will dart into his hidden recesses. My body and soul will open to his as an offering, a sexual healing, a reunification of lost parts.

I will make him mine in that moment. I will open to receive him completely. I will let him see the real me and I will make him mine.

What My Mother Never Knew #17: Mind-melting

On some level, I had healthy fear of drugs, particularly those I considered to be chemically-based. This was particularly true after I became psychotic with a bottle of Pam cooking spray back East. But somehow, I gradually became desensitized to the fear.

Our class was heading out of town on a field trip to the Vancouver Science Centre for a day. I was part of an enriched program for kids with higher grades and this trip was one of the bonuses. There were four of us in that class who chummed around and we concocted a scheme to make things a bit more interesting. During the lunch hour, we were allowed to eat wherever we wanted. We decided to try to see if we couldn't buy some pot - why not? We walked and walked and since it was mid-day, there were few sellers to be found. Finally, we got some good advice on where to look and found someone who wanted to do business. He had a strange fuzzy afro, grown long and seemed in a hurry. Unfortunately, he didn't have any of what we wanted and we began to walk away. But he suggested he had something much much better.

I'd never done anything beyond pot and some of the earlier inhallant so was very wary of his product. Purple Microdot, the best acid we would find anywhere, nearly as small as a tiny peppercorn. What on earth would we do with it? My friend Terri had done it before and convinced us this was the only option. So we gave the man our $20 and divided the hits into four equal sections. We all consumed it back at the science centre, in the washroom stall. By this time the tour of the centre was nearing an end and I found myself becoming increasingly impatient and goofy. But when we got on the tour bus, that's when things began to get really nuts. We had this little pac man that wound up and vibrated, hopping along. He seemed to be chattering at us with the same quivery giddiness we all were experiencing. We laughed so hard that there were tears streaming down our faces. The teachers must have been horrified if they actually looked into our eyes for any length of time.

Stopping at a truck stop we all ran to the bathroom and stood transfixed, staring into our highly dilated pupils in the grimy mirror. Nothing seemed real. The science trip seemed to be happening in another time and place, another dimension. And here we were on planet Zoom, ready to climb a mountain. The rest of that trip and much of the night stretched on forever, like a tightly strung elastic that quivered incessantly. The lasting nerve-twisting mind-melting feeling as I was coming down was horrible and I swore that I'd never do acid again.

But of course I did, and I always regretted it and repeated the oath as if I meant it.

My Much-more-than-crush

Touch me tenderly just once more
Deft strong hands, free to wander and explore
all the plush curves your fingers can find
And it might just ease your troubled mind

Follow your senses to my beating heart
Pausing to explore each new part
A skin on skin meander through this sensuous maze
I willingly surrender under your steady gaze

My pliability wasn't in your plans
Sweet butter melting in your lonely hands
The sanctuary of my body, becoming your turf
Will you honour this gift for all that it's worth?

Your need to nurture me has been a welcome surprise
Comforted by the new tenderness I see in your eyes
Slow cooking, unrushed, farrel tomcat to be tamed
My outstretched hand, waiting patiently to be claimed

Your caress shows me that your heart still beats red
And your hands know where to move, without being led
This space between us shrivels with each thoughtful touch
As I tip over the edge of this 'much-more-than-crush'

What My Mother Never Knew #16: First Love

That numbed-out horror in the back of that creep's van wasn't the first time for me. I've gotten ahead of myself. The first time was about a year before that and his name was Vince.

We'd been hanging about with a group of older kids who went to the high school which made me feel very cool. Pete had asked me out at some party and he seemed sweet enough. He even let me drive his Charger out on the gravel road leading to the quarry. It was thrilling. I liked him a lot and made out with him profusely when I'd had a few beer. But he was a bit dorky in some ways and I guess I never really started to develop real feelings for him. I didn't quite know how to remove myself from the situation but then things got even more complicated.

His friend Vince had finished highschool and was working at a gas station. We all used to pile into Vince's van and drive out to the falls in the summer. We could do our own thing there as it was out of the way. I remember sitting in the front near Vince listening to Steve Miller- Big Ol Jet Airliner and realizing that I totally had a huge thing for him. I think it was mutual as he was incessantly trying to throw me in the icy water and must have sprayed me with his beer at least half a dozen times (what a waste of good beer). I don't remember where Pete was that day and I also don't think I saw Vince's girlfriend.

I got absolutely blottoed that day, sitting in the sun so long. I don't know how I made it back up the steep embankment to the van without killing myself. Anyway, my feelings for Vince continued to grow and I finally spilled the beans one day to a neutral friend, in tears. The next day I mustered the courage to break it off with Pete - God I hated hurting him like that.

Strangely enough, two weeks later Vince just happened to be driving by my place and asked me out to a movie. I was elated! I don't know how I managed to lure a sexy 18 year old guy with a van and a job. I'm sure I didn't tell my mom the truth about his age but she must have seen the van....

So there was lots of kissing and petting and I had many orgasms rubbing up against him but poor Vince was left high and dry each and every time for weeks. There was no way that I was going to lose my virginity at 13 and I really had no idea about other ways of getting him off. Somehow though, he got it in his head that that meant I'd sleep with him when I turned 14. I'm not even sure I actually said that but somehow I think I felt like I'd committed to it. So on the day of my 14th birthday, Vince showed up, hoping to take me up on my promise. I really didn't expect it to happen that way, under obligation I mean. I guess I thought I might lose him if I didn't put out.

We drove to a secluded beach, and my best friend had to go for a walk on the beach so that we could be alone. It hurt, but he took it pretty slow. I really did love him and felt a bit guilty about all the orgasms I'd had without him to that point. And it wasn't like I hadn't had sex before. I'd had sex with at least two girlfriends by then, more than a couple of times.

So there I was, no longer a virgin in the purist sense, in the back of his Dodge van. I don't know that I felt any more grown up.

That night he ripped a wooden street sign off its post and gave it to me. It had my name on it. At the time I thought this so romantic. I actually carted that old sign around for about 18 years, finally discarding it in my last move. I think I always doubted his feelings for me but somehow that act of vandalism seemed to reassure me that he really loved me. I think now that although he cared, he was too filled with testosterone (and THC) to love in a really meaningful way. After that first time together, sex was pretty much expected with each get-together. That's the problem with starting. I wonder what would have happened with us if I'd actually asked myself what I wanted instead of trying to please him. I'm sure the first time might have been a lot more romantic, that's for sure.

Being a girl wasn't easy then. I'm sure it's even more complicated these days.

A Wonderous Life

Love unwinds itself from my heart, finding its way out of hairline fissures, blowing it's horn and tapping its toes and I watch with perplexity
I watch myself spin and blush and I feel my body rush as I succumb to an unknown fate
My toes in this love-water have come to life like they've never been alive before, shocking, electric and exuberant, slipping further and further into the passionate springs
And my eyes shine like warm raindrops, melting into luscious glades of peace and gentleness, a soft invitation

My Olympic Iron Man has chinks in his armour - dirt on his cheek and little to offer but his warmth, his humility and a magic ability to create beauty and dream big
His horse is a mule and he carries a heavy load but my tin man sees me with eyes that truly know me,
sensing my soul like nobody else:
The stripped bare, mosaic of broken glass and beads and flowers and burnt embers that still sting
He knows and does what he can to ease my pain - because it eases his pain as well
Of course he sometimes hesitates, gauging the wind, adjusting his saddle, his shield or his strategy, but then he lets the path ahead call him onward, taking my subtle cues along the way

Reborn in love, we tread with fascination and crazy abandonment, falling into this zero gravity void and hoping like hell there is no ground rushing up to grab us
Or maybe we'll sprout wings and follow the next current - I'm sure if we don't look down, we'll be just fine
And I'm sure that this journey, whether together forever or just for a while, will bring me closer to my true self - trusting and loving just a little more, with all my sincerity, and embracing the gift of this wondrous life

Set Yourself Free

Sweet lady so hurt and so sad
You need to know that it wasn't your fault
It wasn't your fault
It wasn't your fault.

You made mistakes
And you trusted the wrong person
at the wrong time
And you put yourself at risk
But you didn't ask for violation of your most precious self
It wasn't your fault.

And while you may be less naive,
You are no less innocent
No less beautiful
No less pure.

The shame you now bear, a rusted, tangled chain around your throat,
has no power, except that you've given it.

Give it back
Gingerly take it off and give it back.

The shame you think is you is obsolete
Parasitic, it only survives through your belief in it

And the sad, lost look in your eyes speaks of how alone you feel with this burden
But you have the power to let it go
Make a choice, a decision, a commitment to let it go, leave it behind - walk away.

And when you do, you will find that you are not alone
Your pain has blinded you to the love that surrounds you but it's always been there
It's always been there in the warm tenderness of a favourite uncle, the kindness of a stranger, a teacher who nurtured your gifts, or a friend who saw through your false bravado when you couldn't admit you needed help

Let your shame fall away and you will find that you are, and always have been, so pure, so beautiful, so cherished
And you are capable of the greatest unconditional love and compassion, especially towards yourself

You are a healing light in this universe

You've given so much nourishment to others - now turn within and let your love of self bring you peace
If you can do this, your light will shine unfettered, freed of confinement
And reborn, your luminessence will blossom sublime, a golden dewey sunflower bursting forward into each new day, daring to live the life that you've been afraid to even dream about
Live the dream and let the past turn to dust - the winds will carry it far away and you will find yourself
...finally free

What My Mother Never Knew #15: Part Two - Not Alone in the Dark

Reaching that point of "can't really get any higher", I found myself reeling. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I turned away the reefer before we'd finished it (you have to remember, this was more than two decades ago when weed wasn't as crammed with THC as I hear it is now). But who knows? It could even have been laced with something given how I felt afterward.

I swooned a bit and then stumbled out of the van to offer whatever was fermenting in my stomach to the ditch Gods. Too sick to enjoy the fresh ocean air, I got back into the van and was quickly ushered into the back - 'buddy' was sure that I would feel better if I could lie down for a few minutes.

Within two minutes of getting back in the van, he had my pants down around my knees and curled up in the fetal position. I said no multiple times and tried to move away but it all happened so fast. Suddenly he was inside me, and I tuned out, wondering if I had any hope at all of getting him to at least put a condom on. I mumbled something about it and he said he didn't have one. I spent the next few minutes wondering if there was any cellophane in the van and how it might be used in the place of a condom. This mental gyration kept me in a safe place in some way. Actually, it was like I watched the whole thing from above - the silent spectator. Even now when I tell this story, it's like it was someone else. It wasn't really me was it? Why didn't I cry? I cry now in the telling though - I cry the buried tears of shame and humiliation. But I know its OK. That was a long time ago.

I got my pants back on afterward and moved quietly to the front of the van. I asked him to take me to the bunker, my friends' party basement, where I could stay without too many questions. I was in shock - too fucked up to feel much of anything. But I was lucid enough to think about the possibility of pregnancy and asked him if he could give me a bit of money so that I could get the morning-after pill. I guess he did have a bit of a conscience as he obliged me with a $20 bill before driving off - maybe home to the wife and kids he mentioned. I really meant to use the money for a prescription but somehow, the next day, I bumped into someone with some very sappy smelling bud and I opted to risk pregnancy in favour of comfort.

Somehow pregnancy eluded me and I shoved the whole incident aside. The next day, my friend yelled at me for losing all but one of the beers and I knew for sure, I was hopeless as a human being. I did tell Leah about the creep in the van and she stopped yelling at me about the lost beers.

I know there are lots of assholes out there who pull shit like that. Actually, a few years back one of my mom's ex-boyfriends I bumped into told me he enjoyed trying to find teens who are plastered to have sex with. It's funny that I didn't really think of the incident as rape at the time, even though I repeatedly said no. In my mind, it was more like an accident I got involved in. I mean I was drunk, in the middle of nowhere and got into a vehicle with a stranger. I guess I figured it was my fault. These days I know better. But I don't get into cars with strangers anymore either....

What My Mother Never Knew #15: Alone in the Dark

It was spring and warm enough for a beach party. We didn't risk a fire as that would draw the cops but we all gathered under the wings of a huge dipped arbutus tree, hidden from sight and protected from the evening ocean breeze. Brice was allergic to alcohol and had brought a bag of weed instead. The rest of us had Adidas bags full of beer - and some wine stolen from cellars or mine-bars. I indulged in all of the above. I'd brought beer but people were high enough not to be worried if I was dipping into everything. I knew it meant a worse hangover but what can I say? It was in my nature to want more of everything.

Pleasantly bombed, I flirted with boys, tried to stop them from smashing bottles and screaming and grabbed our Adidas bag as soon as I saw the cops flashlights. Our party fragmented in all directions and I ended up in a dirt parking lot, trying to walk straight in the glaring headlights of a slow moving van, it's white eyes watching me like a predator in the night. My stomach clenched as I moved past it and confirmed that it was a police van, ready to cart away the most delinquent (or slowest moving) youths. Somehow, I slid past, without capture. I found the main road and headed right. Strangely, I had no idea where I was heading. I'd come with a friend who was so proficient at the bus lines that I never needed to learn them. I had no idea if I was heading g toward town or away but headed along the shoulder with the remaining beers slung over my shoulder. As I later figured out, I was heading AWAY from town and due to a hole in the gym bag, I was leaving a trail of broken beer bottles behind me, too drunk to notice (or too concerned with evasion). The wasted alcohol earned me a severe reprimand from my bossy friend the next day, when we returned to retrieve the remaining beer (of the case, only one survived).

As I walked along that night, alone on the unlit pavement, I looked over my shoulder one last time to make sure the pigs were not in pursuit. A powder steel blue Volkswagen van pulled up behind me and slowed to a stop. A thin hairy man asked me if I needed a ride. I thanked him but said no, and carried along. The van didn't drive off as I'd hoped and 30 feet later, he pulled along side me again and asked if I was sure. I confirmed my false self-sufficiency and moved to keep walking but then he asked if I wanted to go smoke a dubie. Pausing only for a moment, I said sure, and jumped in, flinging the much lighter Adidas bag into the ditch.

We drove to a secluded cove and he lit one up. It was potent and soon I was quite forgetful of the previous stress.