What My Mother Never Knew #6: Quest for Nirvana

I hope it doesn't sound as if I'm glorifying drug use. It's just that initially, I really felt I'd found the answer to all my problems. As I mentioned, I was a deeply sensitive child; anxiety and painful shyness had haunted me for much of my childhood. Teachers raising their voices to me left me feeling withdrawn and weak. Finally, I closed myself off like a turtle pulled into his shell, just hoping to be avoided by oncoming traffic. At home, my voice had been unheard, dishonoured and even squashed to the point where I had nothing to say. I had even grown to victimize myself in the same ways that I'd been victimized as a younger child - I told myself I was not good enough, not important and not loved. I told myself that I was worthless.

Drugs allowed me, for just a brief instant, to feel a sense of peace and relief from the heavy burden of shame I'd been carrying. They gave me courage where I'd had none and allowed me to bond with friends in a way that felt deeply familial. Those were my first deliberate steps away from the hurts of my past, away from my self-absorbed mother and towards what I considered to be the most beautiful sunrise I'd ever seen. I was certain that Nirvana could not be far away.