Lost in Space
One day I'm swept up in the passions of love: lifted, exalted, freed and enraptured
And then, just as suddenly, I'm reserved, standing by, on hold, waiting to see
Is this inconsistency normal? Is it a female anomaly - tied to hormonal surges or the phases of the moon?
Or is it part of the human condition - to be content and connected one minute and then doubtful or indifferent the next?
Maybe the highs wouldn't seem so blissful without the lows, maybe I'd take it all for granted and try less...
And certainly I'd have less to strive for if I experienced only mediocrity in my relationships
Today, I don't know where I stand - the morning after confessing long-term inclinations, telling him that I intend to play for keeps (and immediately wishing I'd kept my mouth shut)...
And then suddenly doubting his sincerity... pondering the depth of his passion
Love me? Love me not? Nurture me or use me up? Make me yours or leave me in the dust?
I'm suddenly lost in space, with no point of reference
Is last week's optimism a mirage, dazzling in the sun? Today's reservation a mistaken play of shadows on the wall? Neither? Both??? ...maybe I'm bipolar
I once heard that the definition of love was "staying together, no matter what"
That sounds like something that wife-beaters and alcoholics invented...
But if I want to break this cycle of revolving relationships, I've got to stay on the merry-go-round for more than a couple of turns, even if I'm not sure where it's going
Even if the horse feels strange beneath me
Even if I pretend not to need anyone, or acknowledge the need but resent it... maybe I'm only capable of detached attachments
I guess a couple more turns won't kill me... It's not like I've got anything better to do
And in a day or two, I'll be in a different space, aching for him, wondering what I was thinking when I wrote this and feeling unstoppable
posted by Mindfull at 10:21 PM
1 Comments:
It's so hard for me to remember the ups and downs in serial monogamy now that I've been with the same person for 8 years. But I definitely rode that rollercoaster for years. So many people I dated - are you the one? So confused within myself - do I even want you to be (the one)? My routine was 5 months. Anyone who made it past that mark, got my attention. Though some that lasted less will always be in my heart. Some are still my closest friends. But why do some lovers touch us more deeply than others - even in memory? And why do some last and not others? The only difference I've surmised is that the one I'm with started out as a lover, but then became my best friend. It's the friendship that has allowed us to last. And the hot sex is more like a cherry on top. I don't know if that's how it works for everyone, though. And yes, there are still days when I'm elated in love and some days when I'm not as swept away. But good luck in figuring out what you want from this guy.
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