What My Mother Never Knew #8: Nice Ass

It's hard to describe the inner world that I experienced as a young adolescent. There were reasons that I seldom looked people in the eye. There were reasons that I was filled with shame when boys first began showing an interest on the Catholic school ground in grade 7.

"HEY LEMANS - NICE ASS!!" (I was wearing a jacket with the Lemans Ferrari racing logo on the back). I thought I would die.

The next week a number of boys had me surrounded, grabbing my butt and squeezing my tender breasts. I managed to evade them but the next day, they returned, this time getting rougher and pinching at me. I finally ended up telling a teacher and each of the boys was given the strap. They had totally violated my dignity but still, I felt bad for them. Somehow, I felt like I'd done something to provoke the whole thing. I was even too embarrassed to tell my mother.

I've learned a lot about myself since then and what I know now is that feeling violated and ashamed that day was simply a repeat of events that took place much earlier on in my life. I had been prematurely introduced to my sexuality by my father, when I was too young to know what was right and wrong. While it wasn't violent, it scared me to the point of paralysis (at the time) and left me feeling confused about sexuality and uncomfortable with sexual attention from members of the opposite sex. It also left me with a sense of shame about my own sexual feelings and an extreme distrust of men. I saw them as dangerous and consuming.

I'm sure I wasn't totally aware of all this baggage at 12, but I carried it nonetheless. There were many other family secrets that contributed to some of my emotional wounding - too many to describe here. And it's hard to describe them without sounding like a victim. I now recognize, after many years of soul-searching, that who I am is based on the suffering and successes I experience growing up. And I guess the bottom line is, while I wasn't responsible for my childhood family disfunction, I did have choice as to how I coped with or dealt with the impacts. This is important context to the next few years of my life.



NOTE: I have to step out of the story for a moment to say something here that's very important: To all the pedophiles that have stumbled upon this site (I know there are more than a few based on the searches that refer people here) - sexual activity with children damages their souls, wounding their sense of self and destroying their chance at normal relationships later in life. It's hurtful, selfish and shameful, no matter how you try to rationalize it.